|[||Tags|||||albinism, belly dancing, diet, exercise, gym, hair, health, kids, kung fu, meditation, running, scouts, spinning, spinolution, swimming, tai chi, tourdefleece2013, university, writing, yoga||]|
Its been a funny old week, last week was so good I achieved absolutely masses of things, went for two eye hospital appointments, anaesthetic and me simply do not go hand in hand and given that I had two lots in each eyeball, well its caused nerve damage again to my system so I've been waiting for seven days for it to leave my lymph glands, so far its affected my spine, in the middle of the qi gong exercises before Tai Chi I over reached to my left during a particularly deep spinal stretch, instantly felt something twinge upon straightening up, I told my instructor immediately what had happened and that I felt pain, we carried on into the tai chi but I fell extremely silent willing the last ten minutes to finish so I could get into the car and go to bed at home. I knew instantly this feeling of spiralling nerve damage from previous anaesthetic inside my system, my heart sank because each time in the past something like this has happened Ive been out of action for a week or two and I really didn't want to miss anything.
My instructor did meditation with me after the session and everyone else had gone home, this was about 9pm ish, thing is inside my heart I could feel like my actual soul was screaming in pain, it was most profound I started to feel quite ill from inside out. I knew there was little point in calling a doctor when I returned home to my bed as I've experienced this many times before, the only thing to do is ride it out peacefully. Some sort of healing song keeps cropping up for me as well, I know I've heard it before but its kind of stuck now and I cant get rid of it, every time I tried to settle it just got louder. Nerves in my ears I was thinking might be playing up now.
Sure enough, I've been in bed for a week, this has all upset me completely, the spinal neuropathy went upwards this time not downwards so didn't affect my legs, it spread across the pelvic region then up the spine into the neck eventually settling in to the jaw for two evenings and long long nights. I woke during the night last night with terrible pain nerve sensations in my teeth on the right side and my face where the cheekbone is seated was swollen. Horrid horrid horrid experience. I keep hearing that damn song too, I so hate it when this happens plus I feel like inside me is screaming in pain, its most profound.
I virtually had to tranquillise myself with the emergency supply of tablets the doctor insists I keep on hand should the need arise, I love that he made me do that along with the allergy hypo pen because on occasions like last night I'd have been rushed off to hospital or the emergency doctors surgery instead for the exact same treatment.
So I swallowed the cocktail of pain relieving drugs, rubbed some lidocane over the teeth and inside my mouth as high up as I could manage, then fell asleep for four hours solidly. When I woke up I felt sore but the physical pain had gone, the song hadnt gosh I hate it when things like this happen, main thing for me is that I didn't panic as would have been the case in the past, I've learnt to manage the nerve damage issues and inner heart type pain by now thankfully and its all been made easier now that I can walk too, in the past I would have had to lay there shouting until someone heard me and woke up to help, as a walker I could do it all myself.
My new glasses were not delivered to the opticians yesterday or the day before, I anticipate their arrival today, can't wait to get them and see more every day things, its been - well eye opening!
I have been getting to know new work colleagues during my time resting, did a fair amount of work from bed but online with my laptop which was good because I didn't miss out on anything other than exercise classes and running.
Lots of new names and faces to get to know, they are in the process of arranging a getting to know you session for me to be introduced properly next month, when asked where I wanted to go for this evening I suggested Greenwich, an idea which was snapped up so I am so looking forward to this, going to buy a new dress especially I think.
Paralympics Goalball event practice was cancelled this week, I was relieved not to have missed it because of my condition, I've honestly felt completely zapped of all energy, I've been invited to play at a big event in July, they have signed up Angelica as well as a standby in case we need another player at short notice so I'm so looking forwards to this one I had so much fun at the last one.
Seeing a new specialist physio guy Ray this afternoon to see if he can loose the last of the stuck anaesthetic from the back of my head, its been running hot and cold all night hence being awake at 3am unable to lay down properly to sleep. I just keep feeling like inside me is screaming in pain, and its making me cry on and off. Such a weird sensation, its almost as if my head is under water and I can hear bubbles, that echoing sound you get when your arm thuds against the side of the bath with both ears under the water, its a bit like that but in patches across the back of my head, liquid mercury which has separated but held by a tiny bit in between bubbles is the best way I can think of to describe the way its patched at the back of my head now. Its highly emotionally painful.
Will I ever be free from nerve damage? right now it feels like no.
Felt really angry earlier too, the organisation where I go to for kung fu and tai chi instruction the instructor told Angelica that in order for me to return to tai chi I need a doctors letter. I got mad because I dont understand why they didn't ask me for a letter seven weeks ago when I started, why they said this to my daughter and not me personally, and why they didn't ask me BEFORE taking my money. Its one thing if they are planning on asking everyone who joins the school for a letter proving they are fit to exercise, but until such time that they do that I won't be getting one for them. The first thing I always do when meeting a new instructor for the first time is arrive early so I can sit down show them my photographs explain that I was in a wheelchair, have nerve damage, how much weight I've lost and that I have metal body parts on account of having reconstructive surgery. All of them have said it was ok to take part in the session, not once have I been turned away or asked for a letter. I did not say the other day that tai chi caused my back injury I said I'd stretched in tai chi and hurt myself, but as I didn't have a conversation with anyone only in an email about fees, the next bit of communication has come via Angelica which I find inappropriate and thus it has made me feel very angry as I really loved doing the sessions especially the kung fu. I doubt I will go back now, unless I dont get a refund that is, how will I trust them now and they trust me? I take immense offence at the mere suggestion that I would put myself at risk taking part in an unsuitable exercise class, I do not ever want to become a wheelchair user again so therefore I take exceptional care of my body, know my limits etc. If only I had had the chance to speak with someone properly about my back then I could have explained it was to be expected as I had been given anaesthetic twice on the Monday and Wednesday.
Its so weird having anaesthetic in your eyes, you can't cry but they feel wet, you can't wipe them as they are not wet they just feel like they are. Really strange sensation especially as I seem to be experiencing quite a lot of emotional pain inwardly this week, not sure what is going on really as I dont think its coming from me physically but elsewhere. I'm not upset over anything that could cause this much pain, maybe someone else is screaming it, might have a quick check online to see what significant people who I used to be connected with are doing just in case something has happened and I am hearing the pain from them now as I am fairly certain its not me.
Meditation has become an ultra sensitising experience this week, keep hearing bits of that song its definitely about healing but I dont know what it is its all jumbled, the screaming of emotional pain is very real however, its reminding me of past times throughout my life when I've felt this exact same sensation so strong and powerful only to wake to something terrible having happened. Its most unsettling as this time I have no clue where its coming from, but someone is pulling on me I am certain of that.
So the new job, its brilliant like it was written for me, my main salary doesnt start until end of September so I'm in the process of trying to sort something out with council tax who keep writing to say I havent paid it yet, would much prefer to purchase a smaller house because with the low interest offered to me it would work out cheaper than paying the bedroom tax on this place. I will sort it all out before the end of the year, its a headache but needs addressing fully. This is a massive house, might do better to split into two separate places, I think then finances and my headspace would make sense more fully. Will have to see.
Had a really good drive earlier after doing a phone answering session, the producers of the program I'm in sent me all the dates and names for each episode earlier too, I'm episode 2 so as the series starts on the 17th July mine is the following week on the 24th. I am both excited and not so looking forward to the program going out on tv, I have the daily mail interview in a couple of days, not so nervous about that as I have prepared something in advance.
The Tour de Fleece starts on Saturday, can not wait I have lots of fibre to spin up into beautiful yarn hopefully for my new jumper which as it will be at least half the size of what I would have needed before, well I'm excited about loom knitting it afterwards.
Eyes are starting to get tired now so I think I will have another go at sleeping, wish me luck that my head doesnt start throbbing again or my heart getting pulled by the emotionally drained screams. I wish I knew who needed me, this all started on the 21st in the evening several days ago whilst I was at tai chi, its been nearly a whole week already. In the past things have become clear within a couple of days but this feels quite agonising and like emotionally traumatic, I keep asking for the answer but nothing has surfaced as yet although I have had some quite odd random pairings this week so maybe its one of those. Lets hope so as I cant go on in this drained state for much longer and I wish also to know what that damn song is too now, its still jumbled and if I try and focus on it it just gets louder and more intense so I'm leaving that one alone for the time being.